As an American it doesn't matter if your god has a capital "g" or not.

I am not going to lie and pretend that I am an authority on  American history. But I did pay attention in my history classes. I feel that I should preface this post with the fact that I went to a catholic high school, which I believe makes the following, which was taught to me at that institution, a slightly stronger point.

It has been a prominent theme on my social media feed that there is less "God" in our country and that somehow we have turned away from what this country was supposedly founded on. While again I am not a scholar of American history, it has always been my understanding that not only were our founding fathers not part of today's mainstream Christian communities (most were of a sect know as Deism who reject religious knowledge as a source of authority), but they were in fact of the thought that there should not be a national church and that there should be a clear distinction of the interest of the state and those of the church. 

It was Thomas Jefferson, who said "Religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Church and State."

Separation between church and state. This notion that no religious entity has the right, and thus is not supposed to have the ability to dictate laws and policies of the American people. The good of the people, the greater good of the country, and the protection of peace and

 freedom are what this country was founded on. With freedom come responsibility, it is our responsibility as the people of America to protect our freedoms and know what this country originally stood for. 

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness"

All men, and their Creator. Not God, not Jesus, not Allah, not brahma, or any other deity, just any single man's idea of a creator.

America was a place founded to allow all men to worship without the fear of prosecution. A place where all men were free to believe what was right for their heart. America was a place where no one can force you to denounce your faith, or declare one not your own.

Our country is does not need to bring God back or remember that we are "one nation under God." 

We need to remember that all men have the RIGHT to believe in whatever God he wants. 

In an ideal word Capitalism is a great idea.

I am continually appalled at the vapid nature of people these days. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE stuff, I am a self proclaimed pack rat, border line hoarder. But I justify my inclination to enjoy the Things that are around me because I'm painfully sentimental and get physical stress at the idea of getting rid of something that invokes pleasant memories for me. As if I might no longer retain those memories faced with the absence of the item.

But while logged on s variety of social media locations I repeatedly find my self becoming annoyed by people's obsession with flash, label-love, and need to show off or brag-shame. Why does everyone feel the need to make a point of the fact that they have the biggest, the best, and the newest?  With that why and how have we become a culture that holds an expectation that they should be GIVEN those things? Why do people believe that they some how deserve something with out working for it?
Let's take a look at all these items that we are so obsessed with:

Clothing:

The obsession with brand names, Label drenched  handbags, designer shoes is nothing new. Designer brands have been around for nearly a century.  Our obsession with getting the newest design is what brought us from hand made dresses from "Ma' to department stores to begin with.
However what most people seem to fail to acknowledge is that more than 99% of the clothes that you hand over your hard earned money for,  were made in a third-world country, most likely by a worker under the age of 16 years old, making a weekly wage that is less than what you make in a HALF HOUR.

Cars:

That fancy whip every little girl is dreaming about getting at her overly extravagant sweet 16 birthday party is fueled by a resource that adds no less that 5 chemicals that could kill you by themselves, never mind what they are doing to our atmosphere or plants and animals around them.

Wedding - EVERYTHING

This seemingly "sacred' commitment that people enter into because they supposedly love each other has be come a $51 billion industry.

I am going to wait a second and let you register that.

Here let me help

that is $51,000,000,000

That is the cost of 12,000,000,000 iced peppermint mocha american blends from Starbucks. That is roughly what it would cost you to buy a coffee for EVERYONE in New England.

Here is the kicker when it comes to that number.

$25,500,000,000 is a complete waste of money considering right off the bat, 1/2 of all marriages in the United States end in divorce.

Houses

It isn't solely the fault of banks or investors that the housing market in the United States became ridiculously inflated and as a result completely collapse.  It was OURS. The obscene obsession to have houses that are bigger than needed, and cost more than one can legitimately afford, just to show off a status that they don't really have.

This is particularly horrifying when you take into account that on any given night in the United States  there are 610,042 people who are homeless.

How many empty bedrooms do you think there are across this country? I am willing to go out on a limb and say that there are more than 610,042.

I am not saying that it is wrong to enjoy items that you work hard to earn. I just want to see people take a moment to thing twice before they make a purchase, "Do I need this, is this REALLY going to make my life better, is it worth it?"

Rain

I want to name my first daughter Petra. I'm pretty sure it's the prettiest name possible. Not only that it's short for petrichore, which google defines as "a pleasant smell that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm, dry weather."

Which happens to be in my oppinion the best possible olfactory stimulant.  Smell is the sense most closely associated to memories. I'm pretty sure that 85% of my favorite memories from childhood took place in the rain.

As an adult, when the sky grows dark, the air gets thick and small animals start seeking shelter, my entirety opens up. As soon as I feel that first cool drop on my arm I instantly feel better no matter how shitty I felt before.

My mother, as a psychology student worried when I would paint pictures with jet black skies, large blue rain drops and no sun in sight. Fearful that I had some deeply rooted depression at the tender age of 3 she asked my pediatrician what was wrong with me. After some quick questions attempting to disect my psyche his diagnoses... "She likes the rain."

As hurricane season approches in south Florida I can't help but be excited that there are going to be some great storms in my near future. My only disgruntled stance entering the beloved "wet season" I do not have a hammock to retreat to during said storms! 

Projects

I'm not sure if anyone reads this frequent enough to care, but sorry there hasn't been any active post recently.

Currently I am working on a big project. I've been very actively inspired by this project, so I'm going with it!!

As soon as I have more details to share I will, for now just know I really believe I'm creating something pretty awesome!!!

My take on being a mother from a women who asked her pediatrician for a hysterectomy part 3: technology

I LOVE technology. I'm a virtual slave to the Internet. Apps and devices and websites and integration really get my (search) engine going. I am in constant awe of how convenient technology makes my life.

Prize Pack!

Super excited to announce the prize packs for the 2014 Bearded men of MaeSea contest!
Click the link above, Enter, vote and WIN!

I'm Cinderella!!!

Im almost 30 years old, and while I am acutely aware of how much the Disney princess movies have royally fucked my psyche and expectations on men and relationships, I still love the hell out of them!

So when a friend shared this on Facebook, It made my day. would have made my day even more had it told me which evil queen I was!

Bearded Men of MaeSea

It's time people!!! Get your photos in and get your friends voting!!!!!

Who is going to be the 2014 Bearded Man Of MaeSea?!

I Don't Think I WIll Be Getting Flowers This Year...

I LOVE HOLIDAYS! Especially really stupid ones. I love to celebrate, share happiness with people around me and people I love. I realize that not everyone is into holidays the way I am. as evident by this recent conversation with The Supersized Samurai:

Goals for the New Year

I don't usually make resolutions for the New Year. However, I do think that anytime of the year is a good time to evaluate what you want in life and set goals for yourself. So I am taking a moment to evaluate some little goals that I would like to set.

1. Read more: I really like to read, but I have been lazy about it lately, I am setting a little goal of 1 book per month minimum.
2. Eat Healthier: i meed to get back into eating healthy and not as much fried chicken, no mater how much I love it.
3. Write More: I seriously neglected this page over 2013, 2014 will be different, minimum 1 post per week. (hopefully more!!)
4. Save more money: I seriously have to stop spending my money on really stupid stuff, I don't really NEED a pink owl statue, no matter how much I want it.
5. Ride my bike more: I have a kick ass Schwinn, it should be kicking my ass!
6. Cook more: save money and eat healthy, two birds if you will.
7. Go to the beach more: I live in South Florida, I should be there daily!
8. Buy a sofa: I've been living like a weirdo, with only a bed and a table in my apartment, I'm going to get a sofa before the end of January!  UPDATE: as of 01/15/2014 I bought a sofa
   

Lovers and Friends

I have an ex-boyfriend who while we were dating I grew to dislike quite a bit. Not because he was a bad guy, or because his flaws were any worse than anyone else's. No my dissatisfaction in regards to him was purely based on the fact that we were most poorly matched. So poorly that it is matter of much speculation among my friends as to why we were together in the first place. Differences at the most fundamental level.

Carbonated bliss!

I drink A LOT of soda. Granted not quite as much as some who are near and dear to my heart. And when your looking in the big spectrum of things to have an "addiction" to Diet Coke is no where near the worst of them.

Pets I want, and why

Let me preface this by saying that I do not actually condone taking wild animals in as pets,  I feel that it is dangerous, and that no one really benefits, not the animal, or the pet owner, already domesticated animals, are ok in most cases. But still I think there are a number or animals that it would be awesome to have as pets. As follows...

It's Hard to Find a Silent Orchestra

There's something exciting to have your favorite cousin finally be of legal drinking age. Finally after years of her stealing some of your Kahlua on family vacations and your left over beers when you are too tipsy to keep track anymore, you can finally go out to a bar, order a mixed drink and have a conversation about life and the bullshit associated with it without feeling like you're the worse influence ever.

Say what...?!

Can we just take a moment to talk about things one shouldn't say on a first date?

I'm the first to admit that sometime I lack that filter that keeps weird things from getting from your brain to your mouth, and then ultimately out into the world. But come on people, saying something slightly stupid, or mildly weird, is very different than saying something that is outright disrespectful.  I am continually amazed at people's complete disregard for general respect for not only the general public, but the people that they are sitting across the table from. 

Let's back flash here.

Love That Facial Foliage!

I'm painfully aware of the implications of admitting the following, you're all going to think I have serious daddy/Electra issues, that's ok, I don't mind.

Ain't nothing ganna kill this mood!

I dated a guy last summer for a couple of months. He was really cute, super tall, had really the sexiest beard ever, it felt amazing when it tickled my skin, and he was generally a really sweet guy.  I know what you're thinking at this point, "MaeSea, if he's such a great guy, what happen?" Well to be honest, long story short he's an idiot and doesn't realize how fucking AWSOME I am. 

Ok, ok. That wasn't serious, truth is he's currently one of my very favoritest friends. What happen romantically, your guess is as good as mine on that. You should ask him some time and let me know.

Strict rules in my apartment

For the most part I live a pretty relaxed life. You may or may not know that I abide by, for the most part, a live and let live policy.  However there are a couple of things when it comes to my home that I strictly enforce to maintain a particular level of comfort, and in some minor cases, laziness.


They are as follow:

You've got mail!

It is an ongoing joke between me and my best friend that "your period is like Christmas for the sexually active," and that tampon boxes should open from either side and be labeled appropriately "trying" and "avoiding" for where ever you fall on the baby making spectrum. And should include and encouraging message on the inside flap reading

Friday night Prime

I spent most of my formative years alone. Not really because I was weird and didn't have a lot of friends (I was and didn't) but more because the things that kids my age were doing were of little to no interest to me.

My censored Uncensored self

I make it a point to write about what's on my mind. Just let it all out there, no holding back. And for me it is very therapeutic, it helps me to work through thoughts, and ideas and figure out how I feel about things. As I'm sure you can tell by reading these, they are more often than not, very much stream of consciousness. I start writing and to quote one of my favorite songs "what ever comes up comes out" for me personally censoring myself is more work that I care to put into life that I'm not being paid for.

A Modest Proposal for 2013

I've been giving this a lot of thought. And I think, after much contemplation and soul searching that I've made my decision.
I have decided that as a nation. No! As an English speaking world, we must unite and correct the wrongs of our forefathers. We must work together and make a stand. Make changes in our everyday lives!
It is our responsibility in this digital age to get the word out and share this with all our friends!

I propose that from this point forward we all actively, daily make a conscious effort
to call the rooms we sleep in a "broom"
And while we are at it rename existing brooms "sweeps" to make for consistency in the closets with mops.

Are you with me people?!!!! 2013 is our year!!!




I also realize how not awesome this is compared to the original modest proposal, but I try.

I Get Nostalgic

I have always had a strange connection with place. For me where something happens, the atmosphere is just as important to the event as the people involved, or whatever is actually happening. My childhood is no different. The street I lived on, the house I lived in, the rooms I inhabited, meant as much to me as what I did there, and the people with whom I shared them. I understand this may seem like a slightly emotionally detached insight to growing up, but my home was like a living being with a personality all its own. It was the fourth member of my family; it protected me, and inspired me...

What kind of women I find attractive

It is my humble opinion that woman are most sexy when they are alluding to sex, rather than when they are completely naked showing off their goods. I find that the pin up art of the 30s and 40s depict some of the most beautiful and sensual women in history and the porn stars of today can't hold a candle to that  form of seduction.

I think this opinion really stems from the fact that my earliest exposure to what I understood as female sexuality was Jessica Rabbit.  Yea she has a pretty intense, in your face sexuality, but it was classy, it was suggestive, it was a cartoon.  None the less though, my little five year old mind knew that that was how I wanted to grow up, tall, curvy, busty, big red lips, come hither eyes, and a breathy voice.

It's this early influence in my life, I think, can completely explain my current preference for pin ups over porn stars and burlesque dancer over strippers, nighties over lingerie.

The fact of if men in my life agree with me or not matters little to me, being sexy to myself matters more to me than what they think.

The dating game post Mayan Apocalypse

Reality TV for the most part eludes me. I used to love The Real World when I was in junior high-school, when A) the show reflected a mild shred of reality and B) I had no idea what the real world was actually like (my mother didn't really allow me to watch it, so much as she didn't really realize what exactly it was and how much of it I watched until I was so exposed to the show that it didn't make much sense to prohibit my viewing.

Post # 50!!!!

Wow!!! What an interesting place to be, my 50th published post! I will be completely honest, did not think I would be here let alone be here this soon. But I'm super excited about it, this silly little blog has become quite a little love child of mine.
I def did not think that I would get as personal as I did with some posts, but Che Sara!! I decided a little while back, with out saying so out loud (in text) that I was not going to hold back or sensor myself here. I was going to write about any topic that popped into my head, no matter how embarrassing, uncomfortable, off putting, or awkward it Might be. And it's been sure fun since then!
And I'll be honest I don't know for sure who reads this on a regular basis, or at all, but I'm pretty sure that someone(s) is/are. Every morning when I check the stats there are quite a few views.
I'd love to hear from you if you do read but don't "follow" email me, comment, rate, let me know what you like or don't like, let me know what you'd like to hear more about, less about, topics you'd like me to cover.
I love new and challenging projects, all suggestions are welcomed!
I will likely keep posting here even if no one ever interacts or gets involved, this has been a great outlet to get my creative juices going, and I'm loving it!

<3 MaeSea :-*

Bella's bad haircut and passively plays

These are my dogs, the big one is in the middle of a hair cut. she gets too stressed so I can't do it all at once It seriously takes like a week to get her completely shaved down, it is kinda annoying.

But this is the pooches wrasseling. Bella, the big one, is so not dedicated to the cause.

Movie poster invitations? Yea I like the idea.

I have trouble sleeping some nights, I try to go to bed but I don't fall asleep, so I get up.
Tonight I got up and made wedding invitations... I'm not even dating anyone at the moment.
But they are cute in my opinion. I was inspired by one of my favorite things, MOVIES!

I am all smiles today

Hello!! It's a pretty well known fact amongst the people who know me personally that I am relatively easy to please. While I so enjoy fancy things, and have a particular keen spot for shiny/sparkly things, I also truly appreciate the simple things in life that make the everyday wonderful.  Today happens to be one of those days that make me happy just to be me.
I've made no secret about my love for Andes Mints and I am completely delighted today solely for the fact that my very first Christmas gift included a box. So not only is my spirit satisfied so is my tongue!

I Don't Have an Answer

The world is a scary place, we all know that. Everyday there are horrific things that happen that make us question the essence of our humanity. Things that make us wonder if we are any wild animals.
Its important for us to remember that we are just animals, we are bodies with flesh and bones and blood, made up of cells and chemicals, of electrical impulses. We are animals with fears, and thoughts, and reason.
Like animals we can get sick, lines get crossed, the recipe gets distorted.
I can't claim to know what the reasons for such tragedies, or what the right answer is for preventing it in the future.
I would like to offer this as a space to encourage everyone to get to know someone new, remember that there are people out there that are alone, that are hurting, that are scared.  Be aware that when someone is a little weird, strange, "off" might mean they feel lost in their own head, that sometimes when someone is oddly quite, it's because no one has bothered to ask what is wrong.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in asking for help, and nothing more noble than being there for someone who has asked for your help.

Here are some places you can turn to if you, or someone you know may be feeling lost, scared or just need someone to talk to.

Please remember that there is nothing wrong with being afraid.

mental health hotlines

This is a great organization for support with understanding and cooping with Mental Health.

NAMI

Detox

Found some more shitty poetry from high school! I'm really sorry about assaulting you with these, but I really love them, they are so... Melodramatic.

When a Woman Cries

There's no such thing as a woman who looks beautiful when she cries. And that's not because it's gross when her nose starts to run, or she looks less attractive when her eyes are red, and her cheeks are puffy, or because the skin right above her lip gets dried out and peels from the mucus running down her face. And it has nothing to do with the horrible noises that women make when they cry, the gasping for air, sucking the snot back into their nose and throat. It has nothing to do with the way her body contorts to a hunched over ball attempting protect itself from the pain, like pain was a bear attacking. Nor does it have to do with the way her hair gets messed up after a while, or the way after a few minutes her makeup is ruined. No it is none of that that influence whether or not a woman is beautiful while she cries. The thing that takes away from a woman's beauty while she cries is the look in her eyes. It is the lost, scared, almost broken look deep with in a woman's eyes while she cries. The look of pain, of fear, its the look in a woman's eyes that revels she has been stripped of her poise and her grace, that strips her of her natural beauty.

The weirdest thing happen to me tonight

I am normally quite a night owl, I stay up most days till 4 or 5 in the morning, and get up around 11 or 12. But I have a job interview tomorrow, so I decided to go to bed early so I can wake up at a relatively human hour tomorrow/today (depends on how you view the transition to a new day---stay tuned that's one of my four pending posts I'm working on.) anyway so I was not only in bed, but I was sleeping by 1130 this last night.
I had a number of odd dreams, likely fueled by my week long marathon of Supernatural, which I recently discovered on the Netflix (how did I go so long without this show?!). When I found my self in a dream sitting in a room with the man I have a super crush on. In the dream my mother owned the house, and she gave me a bedroom that was linked by a door to another bedroom in an adjoining apartment. It's intention was to give me space of my own, but still be in her house (my mother though she is not Italian, has picked up the most annoying of the Italian traits from the overly Italian community that I was raised in, (my father, and my mum's second husband were both very Italian) wanting your children to stay home forever.) So I was showing off my rooms/apartment to my crush and we decided to sit on the sofa and watch some tele, while we talked and played games on our smart phones. He was playing a slot type game, and I was playing some puzzle game, which in my waking hours I can't figure out the rules. Then suddenly he was exclaimed "oh shot kool!"
"What?!"
"I got triple 2's!!!"
I stretched over to take a look when he leaned in to kissed me. And like everything else I ruined this by waking up, I interrupted myself, I dream cock blocked myself!!
But here's where the weirdness came into play!
When I woke up, I reached over to grab my phone to check the time...and it was TWO:TWENTY-TWO!!!! I was creeped out, but still totally made a wish because that's what you do when there is a weird time!

Ok I just needed to share that with someone, and at 2:22 In the am I figured the Internet was the best option!
-g'night!

Ballpoint bliss

I can't really say when it started. I remember as a child getting yelled at for doing it all the time. I don't know why my parents ever really cared, it would wash away.
I think they did realize though that at some point In my life I was going to be all tatted up. I spent a lot of time as a child drawing on my own body.
The thing that I find most entertaining about this.... Is I still do this on a regular basis today.
There is few things more exciting to me than finding a set of pens that write nicely on skin. The uncontrollable smirk that I get on my face when the ballpoint passes over my flesh and a smith solid path of ink follows behind it. I'm 28 years old, at what point should I have outgrown this behavior?

Die Sucker! Die!

One of my most vivid memories from childhood is running as fast as I could down the street of my small community being chased, while I carried a stick. I was about a block length ahead of him. Looking back over my shoulder waiting for the right moment. I came to a turn in the road, spotted some kids playing at the end of the road.
There were some cars parked on the opposite side of the road. I darted behind one, positioned myself between two of them. I sat in wait, watching while my pursuer turned the corner behind me.
He sped past my hiding place, oblivious to my occupation. I waited till he was far enough away to make my brake. I darted out of safe-hold and shouted towards him, I had to get his attention away from the other kids, "Hay sucker! Come and get me!" and I made my way back the way I came.
I sprinted as fast as I could, heading back towards my house. I turned another corner and it came into view, my home, my safety.
I picked up my pace, now running just beyond as fast as I thought I could. In seconds I would be on my front lawn. I dove onto the grass, with a summersault I landed hard on the thick green bedding.  With a quick twist of my body still on the ground, I redirected my front to face my advisory.
I raised my arm and threw my stick at him with all my might. "Die Sucker! Die!" the stick bounced off his chest and he dropped to the ground as he reached my yard.
"You little witch! I'm not the last you know, there will be more!" and he died.
I was 9 years old, and all I wanted to be was a slayer. I had easily seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer 25 times at that point, I had video taped it from the television, and watched it once or twice a weekend with my cousin. My cousin who would graciously agree to be the Vampire who would chase my, and let me eventually kick his ass when he caught up to me, or throw dull sticks at him in an attempt to destroy him.

Being that I was this into the movie, you could only begin to imagine my excitement when I heard that here was going to be a Buffy Television show. I was ecstatic!!

For my my very formative years were shaped by not only the movie but the television show. But it wasn't until very recently, while watching an interview with Joss Whedon that I realized, for better of worse, it influences me even more than I thought.
I realized that Buffy, and her friends, and the adventures that they had, was a huge influence on how I speak. My complete disregard for rules and structure of language. I completely blame Joss' writing style for my laziness in regards to formulating whole words.

Please send resumes and letters of intent to my email

List of stupid things I'd like to find in a boyfriend:

• He's tall, like 6'+
• He's hairy, has a beard, has a hairy chest, other hair is optional (I don't even honestly mind a lil back hair)
• He will at least indulge my video gaming if not play with me.
• He enjoys reading enough that he will read the crap I write and give me some feed back
• He likes music, (my ex could give or take it and that was really boring)
• He likes food, I like trying new foods, and experimenting with cooking, I want someone at least willing to join me in the adventures
• He HAS TO like animals
• He likes to entertain the hypothetical, I have quite an imagination, and sometimes I like to just ramble about things that are never going to happen
• He doesn't mind long drives, watching movies, long showers, walking around with nowhere to go
• He doesn't drag me to the mall unless its a necessity
• He doesn't mind my love for gadgets, he doesn't have to indulge just accept
• He understands that my best friends will always be ranked really high in my life, like up there with air
• He doesn't mind the idea of random adventures, day/weekend/month/year long trips with little planned
• He has to at least be mildly interested in history, random facts, gaining new knowledge

Here's a few deal breakers:

• He uses the phrase "I don't read"
• He's obsessed with any kind of sport/hobby/activity that it interferes with his interactions with other human beings on a regular basis
• He can't easily be classified as an alcoholic, or really use any sort of substance on a daily basis,  

Bra Fitting Guide - The Perfect Fit

This is probably the first time anyone has really explained the way a bra should fit, the sales clerks at Victoria's Secrete, despite the fact that I love their bras, have no idea if a bra fits the right way or not.

I love so many of my favorite people

I have a couple people that I consider my best friends, these are people that I basically can't imagine who I would be with out them, and I know by definition having more than one best friend is a bit of contradiction of the term, but they are all equally important parts of my life.

Basically they are the people that I know I can tell anything to and not feel like there's any risk of them changing what they think about me. They are the people that I know at the end of the day I can call up, text, chat with and it will make the day completely worth it. and its for reasons that follow.

Back To School

Wow! It's been a hella long time! School is already in sup full swing and I already feel like I'm losing myself to projects and learning. On the plus I already feel super informed about the tech that is arch, so I should be able to build you a house in like a minute! Anyway, I totally started writing a post the second day of school, but didn't finish it, and obvs didn't post it... So here it is!

So I started school this week. New year, new semester, new hatred for the mbta. Actually no that is a lie, new hatred for the MDOT. There has been construction on MA-rt 93 since I can remember. So what should be about a 45-minute trip to school each day ends but being close to an hour and a half. But I try to make the best of it, I have created a number of playlists on my iPhone, and I get to practice my sweet harmonies, until I reach the red line and hop on the T. Where I start trying to write a new post for this page. On Wednesday I was so excited about my disturbing post about chicken noodle soup that I actually missed my stop! I had to ride to the next stop, get off the train, get back on one going in the other direction and then switch trains at my normal spot.

This whole experience reminded me of the anxiety that; I felt as a child preparing and attending the first day of school. For weeks before I would get ready. Buy a new backpack, notebooks, pens, pencils, socks, underwear, folders, binders, and a couple new outfits for the first week of school before uniforms were required. And as the day got closer I would start to lose sleep, I would wake each morning with a knot in my stomach, I would get cold sweats through out the day for no reason at all, and I would have the most horrific nightmares about being trapped in the school not being able to get out or find my way anywhere! Then when the actually first day of school would come, I would have what felt like a mini stroke while I got ready, with periodic blurred vision, loss of muscular control, and inability to articulate anything to those around me. It was awful! I massively hated starting a new school year.

I would always print out my schedule for classes and check it a million times a day because I could not even deal with the thought of possibly showing up in the wrong place. I actually to this very day still have nightmares that I list my class schedule and he secretary in the school office refused to give me a new copy because I didn't have my school id and despite the fact that she had signed me out of the building ten thousand times before could not verify who I was.

What I find a tiny bit disturbing is that these fears and anxieties have carried over into my adult life.

I started my third semester of graduate school this semester, technically my 6th if you count the three I attended in two other programs...

Anyway, prior to leaving my house for class on the first day, I saved a PDF copy of my class schedule to my phone and checked where my class was located about 15 times while on the train ride up to school.

I greatly fear that I will somehow imprint these weird ass anxieties about school on my own children someday; I think that it's obvs that my future baby-daddy is going to have to deal with all issues regarding school attendance, and preparation. While he's at it, he should totes be the one to attend all those stupid PTA cult sessions, because lets face it, I will totes end up shanking a soccer-mom-bitch...

So there was really no purpose for this post except I wanted to write, "shank a soccer-mom-bitch"

Sorry!!!

enjoy the sad unrequited love

I wrote some really god awful poetry when I was in high school. at this moment I am posting it right here, I may venture this into its very own page...

I've held my heart in side my hand about a million times

looking, examining, questioning

always asking why...

Why it took my friend, and not the guy next door

wrapped its self around our world,

making us the core

around it spins with no control

and now one holding on

just specks of dust in the wind

taking us beyond,

beyond the way you feel for me, 

and what we feel inside

just your friend and nothing more

leaves my heart to die.

this poem actually wen along with a painting that I no longer have the original of, but heres a print of it.

A poem by me :-)

I had a best friend that I couldn't see
I Had a best friend she was taller than me
I had a best friend who people thought wasn't there
I had a best friend her reflection was clear
I had a best friend we met when I was three
I had a best friend I didn't care was imaginary
I had a best friend, she could do everything better than you
I had a best friend who thought I was pretty cool too
I had a best friend that left when I aged
I had a best friend who'll live forever now on this page.



The illustration entertained me :-)

********* Einstein was right, everything is relative.

I spent one summer in my mid-teens whoring it up, if by whoring it up you mean making out with three different boys on a regular basis and very occasionally giving them handies behind the strip mall in the next town.

How I rate movies

Everyone one is familiar with the five star rating system for Netflix. Well everyone with Netflix is.

For strangers I might have once loved

Disclaimer***** I'm not a crazy obsessive girlfriend type. I just have a good understanding of how much one should love someone in a healthy relationship. Resulting from being in relationships that either had too much or way to little love on one or both parts.*****

So I saw this post on Facebook. And it struck a chord for me. Not about anyone in particular, but just in general. Ok maybe for a couple of in particulars. But it really is the truest statement I've come across on these pseudo inspirational plaques that people post on social media.

I can honestly say that this sentiment is a significant motivator for me when it comes to deciding to continue a relationship with someone. When you stop and think about it, if the idea of them being a stranger to you doesn't devastate you, and the thought of not being able to dial them up to tell them something, or share exciting news isn't crushing to you, why even bother?

It's hooky and overly sentimental but I don't want to be with someone who I can easily imagine my life without.

Who ever I'm with should at least mean enough to me in my daily life that if they weren't there I would genuinely miss the shit out of them, and not knowing when I would see them again, or worse knowing I will never see then again, would make my day suck just a little.

Just Some random Thought, feeling insightful?

Break ups are hard everyone knows that. All kinds of break ups, not just romantic ones.  It matters little if you are the breaker or the breakee,

 But like most things that suck, they are these necessary evils in life that allow us to take evaluation of who we are and what we want. They give us a chance to stop and decide, "Ok, am I going to continue on the way I was, or, am I going to hit the rest button and make what I am about to do not completely suck?" and if we are smart we press that button, and take a left where ever we once went right, and jump where ever we once ducked. (Enjoy those video game references)

But the thing about break ups, is in reality they make us stupid, the time that immediately follows 'um, we make poor decisions, we dwell and we fall back into bad routines.

But here’s the thing, there always comes a moment when you wake up, and realize that in the long run you are going to be so much better without who ever it is that just left your life.  And you wake up one morning, and they are not the first think on your mind, and you go to bed one night and you don't wonder if they miss you.

I know how cliché this sounds, but time really does heal.